I’m worrying over a lot at this particular moment. Not even an Ambien CR is giving me much assistance, which in itself denotes worry overload. Ambien became my best friend when I realized I’d finally found a cure for a mind that can’t be turned off at night. I worry the most when I try to go to sleep because I’m laying down with nothing to do but let all the worries I’ve managed to avoid during the day start running rampant through my poor brain. I’m not even sure ‘worrying’ is the correct term for the things I’m thinking of right now. I’m not worrying because I have unsolvable problems…they are all quite easily resolved. However, I’m trying to prioritize everything I have to do and being the procrastinator I am, I’m letting everything pile up to overwhelming portions. That’s a better term for what I’m feeling right now! Overwhelmed! It’s of my own damn doing but I’ve never been one to make things easy on myself and do anything on time. What have I allowed to pile up? Well let’s see…

1. I have three large drawings I have to produce by August 25 so I can officially submit to the printmaking program. Again my indecisiveness has caused problems in this area because I can’t nail down what theme or media I’m going to use. I have no doubt in my technical skills once I have a solid plan of action but I’ve been deliberating over this project all summer! I’m now down to the wire and of course my procrastination has put me in a damning spot. ARGH! Okay…TOMORROW!…eerr TODAY rather! I have to start. HAVE TO! As of Monday August 3, I have to begin this project come hell or high water!! There are two things I am absolutely set on acheiving right now…getting into the printmaking program and becoming Mrs. Keith Constable next year in Hawaii!!!!! CHARGE!!!!

2. GETTING A JOB. I want one but I don’t want one. I hate working retail but that’s all I’m realistically qualified for unless I opt to put my Graphic Design & Advertising degree into effect. A full time job, such as graphic design, is probably out of my scope right now if I want to get my Bachelor’s before I’m 30 XD Is there a justifiable excuse for me not having a part time retail job right now? No. None what so ever. I’d love to use the MS as an excuse but I’ve been holding steady for almost a year involving some stressful events which could have led to a relapse but didn’t. I’m 90% certain I could handle being a part time student with a part time job on the side. Only issue now is I straight up don’t want to. However, my guilt over once nagging Keith about not having a job is starting to seriously way on my conscience. I was a bitch to him and he’s only said a few smart remarks about my laziness. Damn it. I hate it when I land myself in a situation where I’m clearly the hypocrite. SO! Now the true test of my resolve will be if I go down to the local Walgreens, which is hiring, and put in an application. I’m familiar with retail jobs so I know I can do it, I just know there’s a good chance my current bitterness with customer service positions will probably become worse. OF COURSE, here’s where my tendency to speculate gets me in trouble!! I have a god given gift of being able to insistantly come up with the worse possible scenario and worry over it constantly. It’s gotten me into trouble numerous times now. Have to keep it in check!

For all I know I may actually enjoy a job at Walgreens and actually enjoy making out a schedule for myself that keeps me busy all day. A part time job will require that I really get my school work done in a timely manner and I think I do need the pressure of tight deadlines to keep myself on track.

Right now my inner turmoil is primarily over having a whole summer with nothing but free time and only a few things that I have to get done. I want to enjoy this situation but I’m not truly able to because I know I need to be in summer school and I need to get a job. I feel like I’ve retired but from what I haven’t the faintest clue! I have taken to wedding planning like a fish to water but I should probably prioritize my goals a little better. LEARN TO COOK! GET BACHELOR’S DEGREE. GET JOB AND BECOME FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT. GET MARRIED AND START FAMILY ONLY AFTER FINANCIAL SECURITY HAS BEEN OBTAINED!

As of right now it doesn’t look like it’ll happen exactly in that order. The wedding is June 15, 2010 which leaves me less than a year to finish another 2 years worth of classes. Hehe. I can however achieve three very achievable goals before then…one being officially being accepted into the printmaking program, two making myself learn how to cook more stuff, and three get a part time job. These things I know I can do. SO! This following week will see me checking over my Fall semester schedule and having it on hand when I apply for a part time job at Walgreens. Heck, I might even try a few grocery stores and CVS. Work on the submission drawings is truly the easiest of these goals, so no more whining about that. Becoming a better cook…eh. This will be the most challenging goal. I don’t enjoy cooking, Keith happens to be a great cook but it’s not fair to expect him to do all the cooking when he’s the only one who’s pulling the full load of school and a job. There’s no reason I can’t have a meal prepared other than my own laziness and unwillingness to battle the kitchen. GOTTA DO IT!!

I have let the MS be my main reason to procrastinate in getting all this done but no more! I feel like I need actually do something that risks a relapse and then even I have one I won’t feel as bad as I do now when I’m sitting around just worrying over what might happen! With Brown Teddy as my witness (my fave stuffed animal that sits on my desk with me), I have formed a Plan of Action!!

OKAY! This week’s course of action:

1. Take car to dealership to have that recalled part replaced and the maintaince light turned off

2. Pick up perscription at CVS

3. DRAW THE DAMN PICTURES!!! “For Christ’s sake!” –Mitch Hedberg

4. Print out semester schedule and have ready for Walgreens application

5. Work on my cooking skills

There I have devised a concrete plan of action! When I wake up later today I will execute it!

FOR THE HORDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!